Monday, June 22, 2009

Four months

I can't believe I've not posted anything in four months - but that's when it all started.
I left on the 21st of February - gone on a previously planned trip to see my sister.
I was on the phone with him when he got home and saw the couch missing.

Four months later, he is doing well. In his own apartment, keeping our daughter 3 nights a week and has lady friends spend the night. (my daughter's comment).
(Perhaps we can actually file first?) I did call and have the appropriate boundaries talk.
(he has 4 nights to do whatever he will, but his 3 nights are reserved for her!)

Well, thank the Lord for therapy. It's served me well these past 5 years.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Day Five - after a long weekend

My love dare came to a screeching halt this weekend. While I continued to hold my negative comments, I went very quickly to the room in my mind that justifies my hurt.
This was a final straw for me.

My mind raced with the the repeated phrases from trusted friends "he will never change," "this will only get worse," and "he will drag you down with him."

Friday, February 6, 2009

Day Four

Love is thoughtful. That is certainly true. And I revealed my true self there yesterday!
My homework today is to call him in the middle of the day just to check on him. This (i predict) won't go over well. I'm never supposed to call him at work unless I need something.
I will use the excuse of asking if he's invited anyone to join us at the catfish house tonight.
whew. here goes.

well, he was too busy to talk. I will have to call him later.
or better yet, I will wait for him to call me.

It amazes me how many times Jesus calls on us and we are too busy. Ignoring Him or "sending Him to voicemail" or not feeling like dealing with our own guilt. If we only knew that He wanted to just say hello and that He was thinking of us. wow.

Day Three, part two

Day three went well. I didn't get tickets to a basketball game. I needed to pick up pain meds for him (after his trip to the dentist).
He requested that I get him a snack. Now, in the 6 + years of our marriage, I've never purchased junk food for our home. I would on occasion pick up a sweeter box of cereal or the small bite size 99 cent package of little candy bars. I would eat one or two and Tre' would eat the rest.
My gift to him (i'm not kidding) was a cart FULL of his favorite foods! I spent 77 dollars on JUNK FOOD! I roamed up and down the aisles and if I knew he liked it, I got it! He LOVED it!
He was so impressed he told his friends! who knew! I guess I should have known! ha!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Day Three

well, day two went fine. I didn't make negative comments and I made his favorite cookies. I also handed him the book. I will continue reading ahead of him, but I need him to take some initiative. (yes, i've been well advised!!)

today's dare is to show that i've thought of him by purchasing a gift. something NICE that says I was really thinking about him. This is where I trip up. not only am I not able to buy the lovey dovey cards at the store (because i don't feel that way), but I don't think often of him.

this means that i can NOT go to my store downstairs and purchase anything! he's not a fan of lw.
but i've got to spend money here! suppose i get tickets to a basketball game. that would also mean that i have to go with him. that's doable, i suppose. i know he would love it.

well, guess i will check that off the list for the day! i appreciate the lesson i am learning here, the pain of sacrifice. the pain of patience and waiting. the aggravation of going completely against your own will. God will plant his seeds and teach me well. I have no doubt.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Must remind myself every day!

In all your ways acknowledge Him.

Do not lean on your understanding,
do not lean on your plan and schemes,
do not lean on self reservation.
Lean into His Love.

Do not trust your feelings of rejection,
do not trust your feelings of defeat,
do not trust in all your speculations.
Trust the only One Who leads.

In all your ways acknowledge Him and say I trust You Lord with all my heart!

Day Two - help!

Day one went over well. I had to get through the entire day without saying anything negative towards my spouse. He was in a great mood and was very talkative, so we had a nice dinner and peaceful conversation. (Not that we are usually throwing food at one another!) :)

Day two - in addition to day one I am to show one random act of kindness toward him. I'm not terribly sure how to do this. I already fix his lunch and put everything together for our daughter to make it easier for him. I thought about ironing his shirt, but my board is broken.
I will need to think about this while at work today, what I can do. Any suggestions offered will be greatly appreciated!

I prefer not to spend money, simply because he doesn't appreciate gifts. (b/c he knew I spent money!) And yet, I love gifts! Even if they are free or inexpensive, but especially if they are homemade!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I'm starting The Love Dare. My mother is not supportive. She explained that I've done my time and it's his turn to do something, anything!
Well, now we will see. I am supposed to say nothing negative for the entire day. So far, so good. (of course, I've not seen him all day except briefly this morning!)
I need to take this test for myself. I'm not convinced that I will make it through.
again, we will see.

Friday, January 30, 2009

When Walking is Enough

Church on Sunday is always wonderful! Pastor Cliff does a beautiful job dissecting God's word to us. Isaiah 40:31 says: But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

He asked us to recall times when we felt as though we could fly on the wings of eagles, which for many of us would be our wedding day, the day we brought our child home from the hospital, and other major events.

He asked us to recall times when we felt as though we could run a marathon and not grow tired. These times could be running your child around the block as they learned to ride a bike, or dancing for hours with your daughter in the living room, or enjoying the love and high of those milestones in our children's lives.

Then he stated that every day life is what is the greatest challenge to us. For many of us we feel as though we can not take one more step. That we can not go any further.
When did we just need relief!? I can think of many of those times as well. Especially during the first 5 years of my marriage.

Psalm 46 says "God is our refuge and our strength." How true this statement is when we are reminded that sometimes walking is enough. It is all we can do to put one foot in front of the other and keep breathing in and out. This is where most of us spend most of our time. Getting through the day. Surviving those times when our world changes over night. Yes, I can remember those times when my world changed overnight. God never let me go.

God walks with me every step in the same way He runs along with me and soars with me over the mountains.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Lessons in love

I was blind sided yesterday when reading The Shack. This is plenty simple to most people, I'm sure, but the writer stated that "Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved."
WOW! I was blown away! This explains a lot about the level of trust with several of my current relationships.
I have struggled with the scripture about how easy it is to love those who love you. But the real challenge is in loving those who do not love you. Serving those who curse you, those who are (seemingly) forever ungrateful.
I can continue to love unconditionally, even while working on trusting again. I can love the unlovable.